Articles I’d Like to Read if Someone Will Write Them

by Libby Malin Sternberg

I read a lot. But often I end up scrolling past a lot of articles that just don’t call out to me because it feels as if I’ve seen them before. Below, however, is a list of magazine/newspaper stories I’d take a look at if someone would bother to pen them. I’ve added fictional pull quotes, as well, that would definitely lure me in.

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Stop Mumbling My Lines: Actors Scriptwriters Hate

“I had to replay the damn scene nearly a dozen times, and still couldn’t catch all my words. They were gems, too, gems I’d sweated over.”

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A Theater Critic Rates Sunday Church Services

“For pure coziness, a good evangelical prayer meeting with top-notch praise band musicians will have you craving blue grass and wanting to come back for more…hide a flask of Kentucky bourbon in your pocket to make the theology a smoother swallow.”

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Never Buy Perfume Again:

How Strategically Timed Trips to Sephora Will Save You Thousands

“The key is to spray a little of the sample on your outfit. Trust me, the scent stays there for a while.”

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Why Do CEOs Think It’s Okay to Mock Customers in their Ads?

“I see these ads, and I think, ‘I’m not buying anything from a company that thinks I’m a jackass.'”

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Meet the One Democrat Not Running for President

“I work at a food bank on weekends and help out at the health clinic once a week. Every other month I do park cleanup, and I am the go-to driver when my friends are in trouble. A lot of people are surprised you can do so much good stuff outside of politics.”

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An Explanation of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity Anyone Can Understand. No, Really.

“So you have a train…no, wait, more like a Disney ride…no, no, like the Acela–just kidding, here’s the real explanation…”

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All We Like Sheep: Apple Staff Talk about their Customers

“I own an Android. Updates don’t screw up my data. It’s way cheaper, even with my employee discount. Every time I go by the Apple store, I baaa softly. Nobody gets it. They’re too busy grazing at those tables they think are genius bars. They’re made of particle board, man.”

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Libby Malin Sternberg is a novelist who writes both serious and humorous fiction. Her romantic comedy Fire Me has been bought for film.

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